Rachel Botsman’s post How to be more comfortable with negotiations opened up some questions in my own mind.
Botsman said that she struggles with negotiations because she is so concerned about how other people feel. As someone whose number one internal accomplice saboteur is The Pleaser, I definitely identify with that fear.
Even a pleaser, though, has needs, which sometimes leads one to leap, or step tentatively, into a negotiation.
Botsman makes a point that negotiations can sometimes strengthen relationship, especially when you focus on intentions and relationships and understanding the needs of the other party rather than some win/lose transaction. That certainly lowers my fear and increases my confidence in entering into negotiations and potential conflicts.
Which brings me to my thoughts and questions which the article triggered.
One question was, what have I already written about negotiations?
- In November, I’d posted on Mutual Learning and conflict resolution. Mutual learning is a framework for working through conflicts.
- Sometimes Episodic Future Thinking, which I wrote about in March, can be a technique that allows each party to envision the long term ramifications of different choices.
- And when we negotiate or interact with others, we can’t let anger cloud our abilities, and in July 2020 I wrote on anger and resourcefulness.
A second question was about negotiation styles.
While seeking to understand the other person and then looking for common ground is one style, maybe it’s not always the best one. Sometimes you are negotiating with someone who is only interested in getting the most they can, with no concern for your needs. Sometimes, isn’t it best to just accommodate and move on? Might it be a good strategy to sometimes avoid negotiation? And sometimes, can you just split the difference? The US Institute for Peace has some great material on when and how to deploy these different strategies, and an instrument to test yourself to see what you generally use.
A third question was on preparing oneself for negotiation.
One can do research into the values, needs, strengths, and weaknesses of the other party. One can learn different negotiation strategies and game or simulate the negotiation. What I find helps is the internal preparation; asking my self what I really want and who I want to be. Human beings have mirror neurons which evoke a mimetic response. If I am angry, I trigger anger in others. If they are angry or negotiating hard, it triggers the same reaction in me. If I am calm and centered, even in the face of anger, hard negotiation, animosity, etc. and if I can maintain a sense of curiosity and play, eventually, those same traits will be triggered in the other party. My first post on mirror neurons was in September of 2006.
Learn more about negotiation and conflict resolution.
There is also a lot on negotiation, mirror neurons, and conflict resolution in the Mindshifting for collaboration, conflicts, and opposition course starting January 16.