PILOTed

Expectations

I subscribe to Rachel Botsman’s Rethink with Rachel Newsletter. I find it makes me think (hmm, maybe that explains the eponymous title of the newsletter) about my own reflections on her ideas.

The March 2, 2024 article was “6 steps to becoming a better expectation setter.” Her premise is that we are disappointed or upset when our expectations exceed what really happens (or reality). One could certainly lower expectations to avoid being disappointed. Being happy, she says, is not so much as lowering your expectations so that reality won’t disappoint, but that you’ll be happier if you ensure that your expectations are realistic and crystal clear to both you and others through her six steps.

The post triggered two additional thoughts:

1. the importance and ramifications of attachment. It’s attachment to outcome that drives anxiety
2. what can you do when your expectations weren’t unreal, they were as clear as you could make them, they were important to you, and then reality crashes them?

Yes, there is water in the Atacama dessert

Attachment to outcome

Let’s say you have an expectation that you will go outside today and it will be warm and sunny. The weather report said it would be nice, you planned, you built your expectations. You were attached. And then it rains. Brains are designed to be in negative first. You wanted to go outside and have fun, but it’s raining. Go ahead, sulk and be angry. That reflects your attachment to your plans and expectations.

Being detached means you can enjoy reality, whatever reality turns out to be.

You can expect that the weather is going to be warm and sunny and that you will be able to go out and play. And you can also be detached from the expectation, so that when that expectation is not met, you can still be resourceful. Without attachment, we can discern what is and live fully in reality. No need to sulk. No need to stay angry. Just adapt and live. Maybe play a game or see a movie or read a book. Or even go out and play in the puddles.

Whether you enjoy the rain or don’t, it’s still the same amount of rain. That's what's real. You can be attached to your expectations (which weren't realized) or find enjoyment in reality. That's your choice.

Reality crashes reasonable expectations

Weather is relatively easy to avoid attachment. Life sometimes throws us much more difficult situations where expectations are unmet. Here is a personal one.

I was in a business web meeting in my home office.

My phone rings, and since it’s my dad, I put the web meeting on mute. My dad said his computer is not working and he needed it fixed right away so I should come right over. I had already solved his computer problems three times in the last week. I explained I am in a meeting and will see him tomorrow and look at it then, got off the phone and went back to my meeting.

Twenty minutes later, my dad comes into the house bringing his computer and demands I get off the meeting and look at his computer. I put the meeting on mute again. Luckily his aide, who had driven him and followed him into the house, intervened and the three of us worked out that he would leave the computer, I would fix it after my call, and then I would drive it back to his place, and they left. I unmuted the call and went back into the meeting. But I was steaming.

Instead of any of the other things I’d planned for the afternoon, over the next 90 minutes I reset his computer, found his missing files, reinstated his passwords again, and then brought the computer back to him. And I was still steaming mad.

How many of my expectations had been busted in those interactions? I am not sure in a similar situation how many would have been unattached to their expectations about what was reasonable in helping their (elderly) parent, being able to finish business meetings uninterrupted, or having their work plans for the day turned upside down. I certainly wasn’t.

Sometimes we can be unattached to our expectations and just ride through events with ease and flow. This is probably optimal.

For all of us sometimes that’s not possible. Events can shatter our expectations and trigger us. But eventually we reset. Time heals (almost) all wounds. Certainly, a year or two later, no one would have still been upset about disruptions or disappointments along the lines of what happened to me.

Why wait a year, or a month, or even a week to feel better? What becomes valuable, then, is the ability to reset as quickly as possible.

Maybe there should be another post: How do we reset rapidly after severe disappointment of expectations? Or maybe you have some thoughts you can contribute.

And maybe your expectations will be fully fulfilled with a Mindshifting Course.

Cognitive Dissonance and Cognitive Bias

Here is a recap of cognitive bias and cognitive dissonance from the Mindshifting: Mastering Your Resilient Brain course.

How does the brain work?

We've talked before that the heuristic and emotional parts of the brain are located in the limbic system, which acts quickly, and that consciousness. Critical thinking, and creativity reside primarily in the prefrontal cortex, which acts a lot more slowly.

By default, our limbic system comes up with our actions and makes decisions to do something, react a certain way, say something, or maybe buy something. Our conscious thinking parts of the brain then create a rationale or justification or story for whatever decisions and actions we're taking.

The limbic system makes a determination based on our biology and how we are conditioned to react. The prefrontal cortex can be where we're resourceful. You know, when activated, it can allow us to connect with others, to explore and evaluate information to innovate, to align actions to our goals, to focus on some plan of action.

When our limbic or lizard brain senses danger, it focuses all of our senses on action and reaction and inhibits our prefrontal cortex. With our prefrontal cortex inhibited, we're not thinking critically, nor are we creative, and that is why we all have cognitive dissonance and cognitive bias.

In the words of Dr. Cornelia Walther, who I think I brought up in the last two sessions, “Heuristics are mental shortcuts to automate and thereby accelerate decision making. It was a necessary survival strategy in view of the limited capacities of the human brain, which needs to cope with and react to an abundant number of external stimuli. A heuristic that consistently leads to an erroneous decision is called a bias. Bias is the disproportionate weight given in favor of or against an idea, person or thing. It may be innate, or it may be learned. Awareness to inbuilt defaults enables us to overcome them, and consequently change.”

Let's talk a minute about cognitive dissonance and cognitive bias. Cognitive dissonance is when we say we believe in some things, and then our actions do not align with those beliefs. We say we believe in conservation, yet we drive places we could easily walk to, for example. I'm sure you've seen cognitive dissonance in schools. We say we want our students to be open to experimentation to try new things and not be afraid of failing and yet, we grade them so that if they're not perfect, they get points taken away.

Do school systems want students to be free to explore, or maybe school systems just want them to comply? You know we can't push both. What we measure, reward and punish takes precedence over what we say.

And then there are many types of cognitive biases. a cognitive bias is a systemic error in thinking. And it results from our brain’s efforts to simplify this incredibly complex world we live in.

One cognitive bias is confirmation bias, which means that information that confirms what we already know, gets noticed and processed. But we don't fully take in new data that might contradict what we already believe is true. Our unconscious parts of the brain are blocking any analysis that the conscious brain would perform.

Let's say you believe a certain person is lazy. As you observe what this person does, whenever that person is late, or makes a mistake, or doesn't measure up, your brain will use that as confirmation that the person is lazy. And every time that person does something well, your brain won't even notice it. And this is unconscious.

People who believe Fox News is biased will look at stories that Fox News reports which run counter to their beliefs as proof of bias. And people who believe that New York Times or CNBC is biased, look at stories which run counter to their beliefs as proof of bias.

Confirmation bias is a form of following a script and believing a story. Confirmation bias makes us less willing to accept others’ ideas. And it rules out creativity, innovation and diversity. That's a good part of the reason that we primarily use our analytic reasoning to rationalize the decisions and acts and actions we've heuristically devised and emotionally decided upon.

In your lives, look at how people act and react. When do people's actions not match what they say that they believe? And I'm sure you'll find quite a few examples of cognitive dissonance in yourself and other people. that they've seen either and other people or themselves? How many people say that they want to eat healthy, and yet they eat junk foods? How about a male who says he believes in equality of the sexes, and doesn't share household labor?

And then, when you sit back and you start thinking of examples of cognitive bias when people ignore facts that contradict what they believe to be true. How many times have you seen people ignore a fact that is standing right in front of them.

Most of us rarely realize that we're doing this also. And yet we all are doing this.

When we see cognitive bias and cognitive dissonance in others, we often dismiss them as being difficult or defensive. But it's just really part of being human.

When we really believe something, our limbic system shuts down our ability to take in new information and think critically. And until the limbic system is calmed down, or the saboteur is silenced, feedback, suggestions, or alternative actions will just never get through.

It kind of changes the way we look at people who aren't responding to feedback, whether it's our advice or results of their actions, that should be getting them to change.

Now you know, the reason is that the emotional or limbic parts of the brain are blocking them from thinking about thinking. It’s not personal, it’s not a character flaw, it’s what we all do.