I subscribe to Rachel Botsman’s Rethink with Rachel Newsletter. I find it makes me think (hmm, maybe that explains the eponymous title of the newsletter) about my own reflections on her ideas.
The March 2, 2024 article was “6 steps to becoming a better expectation setter.” Her premise is that we are disappointed or upset when our expectations exceed what really happens (or reality). One could certainly lower expectations to avoid being disappointed. Being happy, she says, is not so much as lowering your expectations so that reality won’t disappoint, but that you’ll be happier if you ensure that your expectations are realistic and crystal clear to both you and others through her six steps.
The post triggered two additional thoughts:
- the importance and ramifications of attachment. It’s attachment to outcome that drives anxiety
- what can you do when your expectations weren’t unreal, they were as clear as you could make them, they were important to you, and then reality crashes them?
Yes, there is water in the Atacama dessert
Attachment to outcome
Let’s say you have an expectation that you will go outside today and it will be warm and sunny. The weather report said it would be nice, you planned, you built your expectations. You were attached. And then it rains. Brains are designed to be in negative first. You wanted to go outside and have fun, but it’s raining. Go ahead, sulk and be angry. That reflects your attachment to your plans and expectations.
Being detached means you can enjoy reality, whatever reality turns out to be.
You can expect that the weather is going to be warm and sunny and that you will be able to go out and play. And you can also be detached from the expectation, so that when that expectation is not met, you can still be resourceful. Without attachment, we can discern what is and live fully in reality. No need to sulk. No need to stay angry. Just adapt and live. Maybe play a game or see a movie or read a book. Or even go out and play in the puddles.
Whether you enjoy the rain or don’t, it’s still the same amount of rain. That's what's real. You can be attached to your expectations (which weren't realized) or find enjoyment in reality. That's your choice.
Reality crashes reasonable expectations
Weather is relatively easy to avoid attachment. Life sometimes throws us much more difficult situations where expectations are unmet. Here is a personal one.
I was in a business web meeting in my home office.
My phone rings, and since it’s my dad, I put the web meeting on mute. My dad said his computer is not working and he needed it fixed right away so I should come right over. I had already solved his computer problems three times in the last week. I explained I am in a meeting and will see him tomorrow and look at it then, got off the phone and went back to my meeting.
Twenty minutes later, my dad comes into the house bringing his computer and demands I get off the meeting and look at his computer. I put the meeting on mute again. Luckily his aide, who had driven him and followed him into the house, intervened and the three of us worked out that he would leave the computer, I would fix it after my call, and then I would drive it back to his place, and they left. I unmuted the call and went back into the meeting. But I was steaming.
Instead of any of the other things I’d planned for the afternoon, over the next 90 minutes I reset his computer, found his missing files, reinstated his passwords again, and then brought the computer back to him. And I was still steaming mad.
How many of my expectations had been busted in those interactions? I am not sure in a similar situation how many would have been unattached to their expectations about what was reasonable in helping their (elderly) parent, being able to finish business meetings uninterrupted, or having their work plans for the day turned upside down. I certainly wasn’t.
Sometimes we can be unattached to our expectations and just ride through events with ease and flow. This is probably optimal.
For all of us sometimes that’s not possible. Events can shatter our expectations and trigger us. But eventually we reset. Time heals (almost) all wounds. Certainly, a year or two later, no one would have still been upset about disruptions or disappointments along the lines of what happened to me.
Why wait a year, or a month, or even a week to feel better? What becomes valuable, then, is the ability to reset as quickly as possible.
Maybe there should be another post: How do we reset rapidly after severe disappointment of expectations? Or maybe you have some thoughts you can contribute.
And maybe your expectations will be fully fulfilled with a Mindshifting Course.