I have been blogging here since 2006. The very first post at this location was an interview with behavioral advisor Jim Oher on Mutual Learning.
Jim summarized Mutual Learning as a powerful set of techniques to avoid and resolve conflicts. It is based on four key values to an interaction:
- Valid information: you resolve and signal that you will reveal all relevant information you have on a subject, whether it supports your position or not.
- Free informed choice: no party is coercing any other party toward a particular path. You seek to create an environment for people to agree to do things because the information flow was transparent, not because they feel manipulated or coerced.
- Internal commitment to the decision: once a decision is made, people commit themselves to do whatever is necessary to implement it, and they hold themselves and each other accountable.
- Compassion: you, and as the process proceeds, all involved, temporarily suspend judgment in order to understand other people’s perspectives from a mindset of curiosity and letting go of judgmental reactions.
If you were to locate Mutual Learning on Thomas Kilmann’s five different styles for managing conflict (competing, avoiding, compromising, accommodating, and collaborating), it would align with collaborating, setting up for all parties to win.
We all encounter situations where other people oppose us, resist our ideas, block us, or compete with us. For example, educators are interested in the ultimate success of their students, and isn’t it ironic that the students often resist their efforts? And look at all the conflicts raging in the world and society today, where our whole social fabric is being rent apart by divisiveness and conflict.
And yet, it seems naïve to suppose we can just resolve to share information, provide all parties with informed choice, expect everyone will be internally committed to the ultimate decision, and show each other compassion and these conflicts will resolve and disappear. In fact, one of the insights from the five styles is that when one party is utilizing the Compete style and another party is using Collaborate, the collaborate manifests as a weakness to the compete style and that party will double down on demands.
On the other hand, using iterative Mutual Learning, Motivational Interviewing, and Nonviolent Communications techniques, it can be possible shift the conversation in many cases. It takes practice, listening with a sense of curiosity, detachment from specific results, patience, and a willingness to try different communication styles.
Doesn't it make sense to become versed in these methods? Could we start making some progress?
If you’re interested in learning about a variety of techniques to overcome and avoid conflict, take a look at the online course Mindshifting to Overcome and Avoid Conflict. The next offering will start January 16, and here is the registration page.