This is a guest post by Lisa Parisi, and was originally published on her blog Lisa's Lingo. On October 25, Lisa is going to be leading an online discussion How I Spent 35 Years Teaching Children to Respect Each Other Even When They Disliked Each Other, and you can participate by registering here.
Somebody posted a picture on FaceBook that listed what children today are learning from the President of the United States. You may or may not agree with the list, but you have to admit something is wrong in this world.
Parents and teachers spend lifetimes teaching children about empathy. Some do better than others. Some actively try, while others hope to lead by example. All of us fail at times.
Today, it is clear to me that empathy is sorely lacking in the world. From the President of the United States and leaders of other countries, to protestors, rioters, members of the House of Representatives and Members of the Senate to store and restaurant employees and customers. Lack of empathy and respect is running rampant. Open your news feed on any given day and you will see government representatives being rude to each other, to constituents, and to the media. You will see examples of "Karens" all over the world (I'm not going to even get into the idea of a "Karen" as being rude. It is and I'm sorry for all you women out there whose real name is Karen.). You will see examples of car accidents caused by disrespect and lack of empathy for other drivers. You will see companies laying waste to huge areas of land and water, with no respect for any living being already there.
I truly believe it is the job of educators to actively teach children empathy. It is not enough to just lead by example. It hasn't worked up to now. Probably because a school, by its very nature, promotes a lack of empathy. Let me explain.
- How many times have you told a child to stop talking to a classmate, only to find out he was only trying to help a friend understand the assignment better?
- How often have you held a competition in your classroom, cheering for the winner, while hoping the loser doesn't start to cry and ruin all the fun?
- How many times have you told your students they could not work together on this assignment, because you knew it would mean either someone was left working alone or one person would do all the work, while the other watched and did nothing?
- How many times did you tell your students not to talk in the hallway and then you started a conversation with a passing teacher?
- How often did you work with your students to win the "Class of the Week" award for highest grades, best attendance, quietest behavior - cheering when you won or booing when another class won?
I could go on and on. Each of these examples is commonplace and begs for a lesson in empathy. But who has time? I believe we must make the time. It is imperative for the good of our world. We have lost the ability to lift others up, to care for the environment, to listen to those who have differing opinions. We need to reinforce the idea that empathy and respect are necessary and useful for advancement in a society.
I remember Albert. He was a fifth grade student of mine who was classified as learning disabled. He had a language delay, so explaining himself was quite difficult. And he had a family that encouraged him to never take responsibility for anything. They believed he was always right, the other children were always wrong, and the teachers did not understand him at all. He struggled constantly with the other children, fighting over books, over favorite seats, over playground toys. He argued with teachers over whether or not work should be done, was done, was handed in. He made the year quite a challenge.
I spent all year working with Albert on communication. How can you explain to Johnny why you are upset, without using your fists? How can you show me you need help, without ripping up your work? How can you solve a problem, without calling in Dad to solve it for you?
What I didn't do with Albert was successfully teach him the fifth grade curriculum. He didn't improve much in reading or math, he didn't complete projects in social studies or science, he didn't willingly participate in morning meetings or group skype calls or, really, anything we did in class. I failed as a teacher. Until one day...
Albert came back from recess, upset with another child about an issue on the playground. He wanted to punch the other child. I was able to prevent that and, after talking with him and the other child, I discovered that Albert had a right to be angry. Normally, he was the bully, taking away toys and pushing kids down. This time, though, he was playing with a basketball and the other child grabbed it from him and refused to let him play. If I had just gone along with the day, I would have punished Albert. After all, it was usually his fault that a fight was brewing. But I took the time to listen, learn, and teach.
I told Albert he had a right to be angry but not a right to hit. I helped him use his words to explain his position to the other child. The other child apologized and told Albert that the next day, they would play basketball together. And they did.
I would love to tell you that Albert changed completely, became a top student and a calm child. But he didn't. He struggled all year with explaining himself. The other children, however, saw a different side of him and helped him stay calm during a crisis. And two years later, while I was visiting the middle school, I saw Albert in the hallway. He came right up to me, shook my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "Hello, Mrs. Parisi. It's so good to see you. How are you?" This was monumental.
Why do I tell this story? Albert will probably never be a mover and shaker of the world. He will probably have to work every day to keep his family from "saving him from the world." And he might still struggle with reading and writing and math. But maybe, just maybe, he won't go to a rally and start a fight. Maybe he won't walk into a store and berate the cashier for making a mistake. Maybe he will get married and treat his wife with respect and kindness. Maybe. And maybe, if we spend more time actively teaching empathy, spend more time dealing with situations instead of reacting to them, spend more time teaching children how to listen to each other and care about each other, the world will be a better place. And we really need the world to be a better place.
Please register for Lisa's discussion on October 25 or if you are reading this after that date, you can check out the archives.