How can you stop the abuse?
The short answer, assuming the relative is 18 or over:
- You can't stop the relationship
- You can't make any material interventions
- You have to keep lines of communication open
- You can't appear to be judgmental
I'm no expert, but here is my experience.
History of Abuse
My relative, I'll call her Mary, is 20 years old.
She started seeing the boyfriend her senior year in high school, just over two years ago.
He works on and off, mostly off. Other relatives, who are closer to her in age, have reported that he sleeps with other women, flirts with other women when they go out, and often puts her down. He is often drunk. He is about 28 years old, and has another child with another woman.
Not that he can't turn on the charm when he wants to, he's always been nice around me.
I first heard about possible abuse about 16 months ago, when Mary said she broke her nose falling off the bed. How do you miss the pillow with such force that you break your nose?
After the nose incident, I talked to women's shelters, psychologists, and cops. I found out how powerless I was. Once she is over 18, she can't be forcibly moved anywhere, she can't be put into therapy against her will, and nothing can be done to the boyfriend unless she is willing to corroborate.
Research showed that typically the abuser is trying to isolate the victim from her family. The abused person is virtually hypnotized to believe that any criticism of the boyfriend is a direct affront to her as an individual.
In order to prove she loved him, Mary agreed to have a baby with him about two months after the nose incident. Two months before the baby was born, they moved in with her father, about 50 miles outside of NYC.
The latest incident was yesterday. Mary's father was out on an errand. The boyfriend was drunk, as usual. He slapped her across the face, dragged her by the hair into the kitchen, and poured orange juice on her. He also punched in a mirror. Subsequently, I've heard from other relatives that there have been other incidents.
Mary called one of her siblings to ask for help, and was moved out of the house, with her baby.
Two hours later, Mary and the boyfriend were back together. She said that they would figure out how to make things work because they love each other. They might see a couples' therapist together.
What can we do? Legally, nothing.
We could call the police, but they can't do anything unless she files a complaint, which she won't. There were no witnesses. Counselors will not talk to her unless she calls them first, which she won't. They advise us to just give her support; that she has to make the first move.
If we exclude the boyfriend from all family activities, Mary will not come either, further isolating her.
If we council her to leave, she becomes angry and storms out of the room.
If her dad forces the boyfriend to leave, she and the baby will leave too, and she will be completely outside of any support network.
What are we (her relatives) going to do to support the victim?
We have all agreed to talk to her regularly to continue the family relationship and provide her a support network, but not give any approval or disapproval about her relationship or the boyfriend.
Next time she calls saying she was abused or beaten, we will
- Let her know how sorry we are and listen
- Ask if she or the baby is injured, and take care of any physical needs.
- Ask if she called the police
- Ask if she wants us to call the police
- Assuming the answer is no to all of the above, ask her if she wants to get away
- Clarify her answers into action items (or inaction items)
- Assuming there is nothing else, let her know that if she does ever want to call the police or seek asylum, that we are there for her, but that it is her decision.
What will we do if she asks for money to live on or to take care of the baby (since neither one is working steadily)? Let her know that we really feel badly and want the best for her, but that we just can't.
Because some family members have said that they can only control themselves if they do not have contact with the boyfriend, the boyfriend is not allowed to come to family events where any of these others want to come.
I hope you never have to go through this, but if you do, I hope that this helps as you grapple with some very difficult decisions.
